Frequently Asked Questions: Rape & Sexual Abuse
1. Is it legal for a 15 year old to have sex with someone over 18:
No. In the state of Ohio, if a person is between 13 and 15 and the person they have sex with is 18 or 4 years older than them, it is considered rape, whether both people agreed or not. I should also mention that anytime someone is considered legally drunk while having sex, it is considered rape as well, because they are unable to agree to it at a time when they are mentally sound.
2. Is anal sex a good alternative to vaginal sex:
No. The anus is an exit for waste; it is not designed to be an entrance. Along with the fact that the anis is a warm, moist area and a perfect breeding ground for STD's, the tissue around that area tears easily and can provide easy access for infection. It can also be a very painful experience.
3. I was raped when I was younger:
Guilt, shame, fear, depression, loneliness, communication challenges, and sexual promiscuity: these are a few words that describe how you may be feeling or behaving if you have been sexually abused or raped. It is important that you understand why you are reacting or responding the way that you do. Your responses to this life-changing occurrence may differ from others who may have had the same thing happen to them. I encourage you to discuss this with a parent or a trusted adult and seek the help that you will need. Please realize that what has happened is not your fault. But, what you choose to do now is your decision. Sexual abuse/rape has influenced every part of your life. We would like to address with you the issue of sexual promiscuity. Reports show that sexual abuse survivors are more likely to participate in activities that increase risk for unintended pregnancy and infection with HIV and other STD's (Debra Boyer and David Fine, Sexual Abuse as a Factor in Adolescent Pregnancy and Child Maltreatment Family Planning Perspectives, Vol. 24, No. 1, Jan 1992). If you find yourself exhibiting these behaviors, it could be for several different reasons:
1. Feelings of powerlessness
2. Damage of self esteem
3. Misconception of sex, affection and intimacy
4. Inability to say no
5. Belief that one's only worth is sexual
6. Some intentionally get pregnant to escape abuse
7. Belief that if he/she "gives it up", he/she can't be hurt.
Sexual abuse survivors often begin voluntary sexual relationships earlier and have sex more often (Denise Polit et al, Child Sexual Abuse and Premarital Intercourse Among High-Risk Adolescents,Journal of Adolescent Health Care, vol. 11, no. 3, May 1990.). This is attributed to the fact that when an individual is sexually abused or raped, his/her development is interrupted; this interruption many times pushes one ahead developmentally. Sex often becomes just another past-time activity, rather than its original intent. The purpose of sex has become perverted by the attacker/molester and the thought by the survivor is “sex was taken from me, so I may as well give it up…anything not to be hurt again”.
Although you may have been a victim of sexual abuse or rape, that doesn't mean you have to remain a victim. This is why you are referred to in this information as a survivor. You have survived something that was meant to destroy your life. Just this fact alone shows your strength, courage and ability to handle hardships that may arise. It's not easy, actually sometimes extremely rough, but please understand that you are not powerless. You have the power to make healthy decisions and choices concerning your life. Use the abuse or rape that was meant to weaken you, to give you strength. Strength to encourage yourself, help others and take back your dignity, respect and self-esteem. And again, I strongly encourage you to speak with a parent or trusted adult to seek the help that you may need. Thanks for writing!
4. I am kinda afraid about going out with someone because they might want to have sex. What do I do?
I don’t think that the caution you feel is a problem at all. What I am concerned about is that there is obviously something that you have observed about this person that has given you cause to worry about their intentions. You are figuring out that there is a whole lot more to staying abstinent than just saying, “I don’t want to have sex”. One of the things that go along with that decision is making it VERY CLEAR from the beginning that sex will not be a part of the relationship. That means that you don’t ask them if they are going to ask you to have sex, but you make the firm statement that sex will definitely not be part of tonight’s program or any other night for that matter, until your marriage night! You also have to set VERY CLEAR boundaries in your relationship. Such boundaries include:
- No hanging out alone
- Only going out on group dates
- No hanging out with people who are negative influences
- No drugs or alcohol
- No touching in areas that are covered by underwear (need I be more specific???)
- Avoid long-passionate kissing (This is where the body usually starts to prepare for sex)
Boundries like these help ensure that you don’t get yourself into situations that could easily get out of control. Saying that you want to be abstinent, but failing to set clear boundaries and stick to them, is often the cause of people getting caught-up in the moment with the excuse of, “It just happened”.
I don’t know whether or not you have been through all of this with this person or how far into sexual activity the two of you might have gone in the past, but the bottom line here is…if you are afraid of going to the dance with him- Don’t. If you’re just concerned about being pressured about sex, then find a ride home immediately after the dance and consider if a person who doesn’t respect you’re choice to be abstinent is really worth your time.
I know you’ll do the right thing. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders!
5. I thought my boyfriend loved me because I mean he acts as if he does. We are having sex but I feel as if that’s all he wants, and I am scared to tell him I don’t want to do it all the time because of his temper. He was my first. What should I do?
The way I see it you have two problems. The first is that you seem to be a little confused about what love is. Love looks out for the best interest of others, protects, encourages and love is patient. Love doesn\'t take advantage of others, put others at risk for selfish desires, and love definitely doesn\'t scare or hurt. The second problem is one that I see in sexually active and abused young ladies all the time. You are willing to put up with whatever crap he wants to throw at you because you feel like you have some kind of special attachment to him since you\'ve had sex. I\'m trusting that you appreciate my opinion since you chose to write me, so please allow me to be very honest with you. YOU NEED TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW! Put your emotions aside because they are what led to the first mistake of starting to have sex in the first place. Use your head and really evaluate the mess that you\'re in. If your friend or a little sister were in the same situation as you are, you know you would give them the same advise as I am giving you. You need to care and look out for yourself the same way and get rid of this guy, so that you can focus on what really matters; your future. It is EXTREMELY COMMON for girls who have been abused to end up in unhealthy and abusive relationships for the rest of their lives, because they are easy prey for jerks that like to control and intimidate vulnerable young ladies.
I know I don\'t know you , but please trust that I have been working with teens for YEARS and I know what I am talking about. It’s kinda like this... If someone was caught in a forest fire, who\'s advice about escaping the fire would be the most beneficial: Someone who was stuck in the middle of the mess and could barely see because of the smoke or someone who was safely looking down from above and knew the territory??? If you\'re not careful your going to keep making bad decisions because your emotions are clouding your judgment and you\'re in too deep to see your situation for what it really is.
I hope you are able to receive this and chose to do what’s best for you and your future. Take care.
